My child doesn’t understand why her Daddy and I are no longer together. Questions are asked, re-worded and answers, age-appropriate and gentle are delivered. Sometimes the answer is, “It’s a grown-up issue,” and still I am pressed, “Can you make a kid version?” Yesterday, I had to tell the truth, “No. No, I can’t. There is only a grown-up version,” and all day it nagged at me.
My child is sad, teary, angry, grumpy and home with a fever. I hate not speaking the truth. As a child, living in a home where there was abuse, secrecy and a hue so heavy it was a tangible fog that didn’t allow people to see clearly, hear, witness or observe what was happening right in the house. My buttons are triggered by the secrecy aspect of protecting anonymity. I don’t mean with the grocery store clerk, the mail woman, the neighbor who has never shared a cup of tea. I’m talking with this precious being who has known one reality and now knows another and doesn’t understand what happened.
Is this true in any separation or divorce? I don’t know. So I struggle with what to say and what not to say and notice myself biting my lips and tongue more often than I am used to. Child feels it’s my fault that her father isn’t here and is mad. I am SO GRATEFUL to hear the true thoughts and feelings inside which come up in frustrated or gut-wrenching tears. It also breaks my heart. And, I get so angry. I want to say, “He chose addiction over us. We were no match. Not me, not even you sweet child, not even you for addiction. A fix was way more important than us.” But Child does have and deserves to have TWO PARENTS, TWO people to feel safe with, who love and cherish.
This is where my spouse’s sobriety matters to me. He is sober, in recovery and for our child this is WONDERFUL. I can’t assume too much about that sobriety other than it is healthier than the alternative and that is AMAZING. If not sober, the level of distraction and the level of carelessness, even when one loves another, does not make one capable of parenting well. My partner agrees so I say this not just as a judgement. If relapse happens, visits are supervised. That’s how serious this disease is.
And yet, we don’t acknowledge Daddy has a problem. And that doesn’t feel right. There may not be a “feels right” answer only what is in child’s best interest at this age and given what is true now? I am grateful to have a professional versed in our child’s special issues to get guidance from and help.
My bes friend told me to be grateful child isn’t going underground with feelings, trying to pretend all is o.k., working to please parents but knows it is o.k. to be mad and sad and expressing in words and emotion feelings. It helps to hear this because it doesn’t FEEL good to be with the anger and sadness. I KNOW it is healthy but it is hard. I help my child in my arms as tears flowed last night. First child was missing me. Next, missing her Daddy. The feeling of always having to miss one parent to be with another. Ugh.
I go to the parenting books, to books about allowing emotions and being with them without fixing, attacking, lighting a fire underneath them, just to be with them. With child, I give support as well as witnessing.
Child is so versed in “it’s not your fault” that child has said, “Why would it be?” as though it were the most ludicrous thing ever said.
New territory in parenting.
Ugh, that sounds SO hard. You sound very strong. I can see why all of this would be hard for you and I don’t know what the answer is, though I’m sure there are people that do.
Have you tried contacting Al-ateen? I wonder if they have any resources or experience in talking to younger kids in a way that doesn’t give away too much, but still deals with reality. I think that would be my struggle too–not wanting to perpetuate the lying.
One of the things that surprised me is when I told my eight-year-old niece that her (favorite) Uncle and I are divorcing, she wasn’t that surprised. Yes sad, but not surprised. I asked about that and she told me she knew something was going on, because “you used to talk him all the time and lately you don’t.” Then she wanted to know if I missed him, and I had to tell her yes, I did. I’m not telling her details, but I’m not lying either. That doesn’t feel fair to either of us. I told her if she ever has any questions, she can ask me, anytime.
Big hugs to you!
Comment by Bernadine — November 10, 2009 @ 7:50 pm |
Bernadine,
I think knowing what to tell close loved ones at all is very tricky but with children it’s especially hard. It’s interesting how much your niece noticed on her own at such a young age, huh? It’s hard to balance the not lying with the not telling details. Thanks for posting. It’s really good to learn what other people have or have not shared even if the addictions aren’t the exact same.
C
Comment by c — November 12, 2009 @ 6:53 pm |
Oh, how I feel your pain and anger. Why were we not important enough for him to stop engaging in damaging behavior and get help? How could he choose the fix over our well being, both financially and emotionally? When I first found out about his acting out and the lies that spanned our relationship, I immediately asked him to leave and filed for separation. I was instantly thrown into the role of single mom, scared and alone and trying to figure out how I was going to pull it together and take care of our son. It wasn’t until he had to be live on his own, without access to his son, and living in a dump in a bad part of town, that he hit rock bottom and sought the help of a therapist and SAA. It was the first time in his life that he started to accept the consequences of his actions and ask for help. I began to see a transformation in him and, after a month apart, agreed to let him come back home. My son was elated to have his father back home. But the lies never stopped. My husband was so afraid of being kicked out again that he moved the boundary lines we had set, justified his slips, and kept them from me despite our agreement that he had 24 hours to “come clean” and seek forgiveness. Despite all of the lessons from the past, he still can’t see that the pain caused by a lie is much more damaging than the pain of the truth. So I have no choice but to end this relationship. It’s true, insanity is repeating the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. There will never be a different outcome for us. All hope is gone.
So how do you explain this to an innocent child? How do you avoid becoming the “bad guy” in all of this? I’m supposed to teach my child grace and forgiveness but I can’t model it myself. I detest hypocritical people almost as much as liars. Why have I put this precious boy on the roller coaster of this relationship with me? Just the other day my son asked his grandmother if she had ever thought of divorcing grandpa. She said “no”, that there had been many difficult times, but they had always worked through them together. How do I explain to him that our circumstances are different? I too need my husband to be sober for his son. I’ve read so much about the importance of a father in his son’s life, especially the years leading up to sexual maturity. I’ve read that a child’s sexual mapping is established by the age of 8. I worry what damage has already been done. Parenting was difficult enough without the element of SA. God, this is so hard.
Comment by Dana — November 12, 2009 @ 6:11 pm |
Dana,
I feel you pain, anger and confusion. Whatyou said, about the “pain caused by a lie is much more damaging tht the pain of the truth” is so powerful and true. I’ve felt that total disbelief and shock that my partner doesn’t get the enormoity of the pain and the lying. But, I guess if he really “got it” he wouldn’t have been able to lie for so long… and to lie to himself about how severe the problems.
I did get some advice that hss helped me and that is to remember my child will remember what I tell her. The last thing I want to do, even to protect her, is lie to her. That doesn’t mean sharing stuff that is too much for her to understand on any level right now. But I am not going to water it down with “Mommy and Daddy have issues” because before disclosure I thought and spoke as if we were a family for life. That’s how I felt. What I believed. So, I’m going to keep saying, “I’ll tell you more when you are a grown up. It’s a difficult grown up issue. It’s a hard grown up issue. There isn’t a kid friendly version.”
I’m not going to make it seem like we just don’t have as much fun or it’s something random and not serious. But, I can’t tell her the specifics either because I do think it’s beyond her developmental age.
It must be hard for you to hear your son ask questions about marriage. And, it’s painful to imagine our kids ever feeling this shock, disappointment, etc. isn’t it?
I don’t know how you feel for you, but for me, I will have more anger, less grace and any chance at forgiveness if I stay with someone who has hurt me, manipulated, exploited, exposed me to disease, etc. than by leaving. With time, my head can and is learning about addiction. But, when my heart is screaming in pain and frustrated and stuck because he doesn’t get how much he hurt me by being an addict and by not taking responsibility for the way his addiction injured and threatened, I can’t retain much of my learning. I think, I AM doing what i need to even possibly get to a point where there is forgiveness.
I feel the first thing is to make a safe and loving home for my child and for me and to, as long as he is sober, not do anything that makes our child lose her father. But, I can’t model forgiveness, and to be honest, my spouse hasn’t asked for my forgiveness and I think that is a key to getting it as well. I’m sure I’d feel more forgiving if he genuinely felt remorseful. I can’t know that but I can make sure I’m not motivated by wanting to hurt him back (which I’ve felt at times, like I’ll show you how bad it feels….) and make sure I’m still being the kind of person I want to be.
For me, realzing his addiction can and did change our marriage is one thing. I still choose the way I want to mother. It’s WAY MORE COMPLICATED NOW but I have to be sure to make it less about him because then I am spinning, and let me be clear, I do spin in my head often and live in the anger and hurt and shock and surprise and disappointment and pain still.
It is SO HARD. It sounds like you are working so hard to be the most present, attentive and responsible mother you can be. I believe that will matter to our children. We can’t know how they’ve been impacted as just as we lived with a disease we didn’t know about they did as well for a time and that’s hard.
Hang in there.
C
Comment by c — November 12, 2009 @ 7:10 pm |